B'haalotcha 5778

"ותדבר מרים ואהרן במשה על אדות..." – מפרשה זו אנו למדים שאסורו הוא אפילו אם האיש שדיבר עליו לשון הרע הוא איש ענו ושפל רוח, ואינו מקפיד על מה שדיבר עליו, שלכך נסמך הפסוק והאיש משה ענו מאד

(שמירת הלשון ח"ב, על פרשת בהעלותך)

The Permission Slip

Yossi and David have been friends for as long as anyone can remember. They’ve spent hours reading the same books together, playing the same games together, and engaging in their favorite activity: telling jokes.

In fact, their personalities are so similar that, if not for the fact that Yossi is almost double David’s height, you might think that the two are brothers.

One day, Yossi and David were sitting with their classmates in the high school lunchroom. As usual, Yossi and David had the kids around them laughing, as the two boys exchanged humorous comments. The conversation slowed, and David needed new material. He looked up at Yossi, and then it came to him. “Yossi,” laughed David. “How’s the weather up there? Do you get any oxygen at that altitude?” Not to be outdone, Yossi answered “The weathers great, but make sure no one steps on you, down there!”

The other boys laughed, and Yossi and David affectionately slapped each other on the back. One boy, Shmulik, looked thoughtful. “You know,” he said, “I don’t mean to rain on the parade, but we just learned today in halacha class that when people laugh at each other, it’s considered lashon hara. I think it’s a good idea to stop.”

Yossi and David looked at each other, and then back at Shmulik. “But Shmulik, it’s OK,” protested Yossi. “David and I have an agreement that we’re allowed to make fun of each other!”

“Yeah,” agreed David. “We don’t get offended by each other, because we both know that it’s just a joke. We’re best friends! We’re not trying to hurt each other.”

Is it really permitted for Yossi and David to have this agreement? Does the fact that they both allow themselves to be teased make the comments permissible, and not lashon hara? 

Answer:

Rabbi Avigdor Nebenzal, shlita:

Lashon hara is forbidden, even if the subject of the lashon hara allows it. Lashon hara is, in itself, forbidden, even if the subject of the words is not damaged.

In truth, it is stated in Tenuat Hamussar (section 1, page 119), that Rabbi Zundel of Salant (the rabbi of Rabbi Yisrael Salanter), would instruct specific individuals to make comments which would cause Rabbi Zundel’s image to be lessened in the eyes of others. When these men would hear others praising Rabbi Zundel, the men would negate the words of praise.

We might conclude, on the basis of this story , that it is permitted to speak lashon hara about a person who allows it. However, this is not the case, because the stories are not parallel. Rabbi Zundel was a great, well known rabbi. Due to his great humility, he desired to keep the public’s positive opinion of him from getting out of hand. However, in the case of Yossi and David, there is no legitimate reason to encourage such negative speech.

In conclusion, it is forbidden for Yossi and David to joke about each other, even with prior permission.

*****

Striking the Match

Rachel had been going out with Shlomo for a while now, and things were looking positive. In her mind, she was already envisioning standing under the chuppa next to Shlomo, preparing to spend the rest of their lives together. Rachel’s dreams quickly turned into devastation, when Shlomo informed her that he wasn’t interested in continuing their relationship.

Naturally, Rachel was heartbroken. After all of the emotional investment, all the hopes, all the plans for the future, she was left with nothing but feelings of emptiness and rejection. Her family and friends tried to comfort her, but Rachel was inconsolable. A week went by, then two, and then another, yet Rachel’s anguish would not subside.

One day, Rachel’s close friend, Chana, called her. “Rachel, I have something to tell you, which might make you feel a little better about the situation,” Chana began.

“I know you’re trying, Chana, but nothing that you say will make it any better,” interrupted Rachel.

Chana wasn’t quick to give up. “Rachel, but listen to me. I have something to tell you that will make you realize that this is the best thing that could have happened! You’re so upset about not marrying Shlomo, but the truth is that he’s not such a great person, after all! I heard from reputable sources that…” Chana went on to relate all the negative information which she had heard about Shlomo.

Rachel thought for a minute. “Wow, Chana, I had no idea!” Rachel began, thoughtfully. “I thought it was such a terrible thing that happened, but I see that it would have been much worse to continue with Shlomo. Chana, you really made me feel so much better!”

Was Chana justified in sharing this true, negative information about Shlomo, for the purpose of helping Rachel feel better, or was it lashon hara?

Answer:

Rabbi Yaakov Ariel, shlita:

Chana acted improperly, in relating negative information about Shlomo. This is not the correct way to cheer up a friend. If Chana wanted to impress upon Rachel that Shlomo would not have made a good husband for her, Chana could have found ways to illustrate how Rachel and Shlomo weren’t good for each other, without mentioning the deficits of Shlomo.

It is true that in Sefer Chofetz Chaim (footnote to klal 10, seif 11) it says that it is possible that it is permissible for a person to relieve his own worry, by speaking negatively about one person to another. This might indicate that Chana was allowed to speak badly about Shlomo, in order to comfort Rachel.

However, the cases are not identical. The Chofetz Chaim is discussing a situation in which the speaker speaks negatively, in order to alleviate his own worry. This does not mean that it is permissible for Chana to speak negatively about Shlomo in order to lessen Rachel’s pain. Additionally, Chana could have utilized other means to help Rachel, rendering the lashon hara about Shlomo totally unnecessary.

Rabbi Avigdor Nebenzal, shlita, agrees that it was forbidden for Chana to speak badly about Shlomo. In fact, Chana could actually have caused damage to Shlomo, if the information spread further. Rabbi Nebenzal adds that he does not understand the above mentioned leniency of the Chofetz Chaim, because the words spoken about Shlomo are lashon hara, and it is forbidden to relate lashon hara even if it lessens pain.